I should have been babbling here during the midst of 'emoness' and depression last month. Well, people might thought that I am a fragile person but hey, I am quite proud of myself right now that I am back, with a stronger heart and plenty of gratitude towards what had happened for the last 4 years.
Guess what?
Yes, a break up. :) + :( + T.T It is truly mixed with all sorts of emotions.
People used to think that we are meant for each other (well I did too). People used to know we are each other halves when they first knew us. People used to see us doing things together, especially with those pretty photos posted on Facebook which went quite viral among relatives and friends.
Oh those places we've went, sunsets we've chased, starts we've gazed, movies we've watched, food we've cooked, birthdays, anniversaries, flowers, gifts, valentines, meeting each other's families, so well known of his wife/her husband, wedding we've attended, bus rides we've sat, first car, first year uni till graduation...... and this list can go forever. 4 years! I can't imagine we've been together for 4 years.
And now they are all history.
You know how a lot of pictures or quotes mentioned about when you've reached 20s, you then start to realize your parents golden advice/nagging and now you're telling them 'Mum, you're right?'. Yeah, I have started off this too spontaneously. I didn't pursuit God's way as I was doing my way. We have sinned and have done things which are unpleasing to God. It has been an on off switch for all this while and we were living in guilt. It is ridiculous to tell everyone about this because I am not proud of this. If we were to rewind everything, we could have integrated the Lord's words and understand each other more instead of jumping into it abruptly. Hence, all these piled up and were never been shared to each other. As years went by, I repented and ask for the Lord's forgiveness. Yet I sinned again and again. Such a hyprocrite!
At some point, he was smacked on the face by God end of this Sept. So did I. We've tried to improve. I think I was struggling a lot, so much that I broke down when he hinted a break up. I went to work everyday with a heavy feeling, as if everyone did something wrong and I was easily frustrated. I even went to another church because he did not want to go to the same church as I did. It didn't make much of a difference until I shared it out with a few close friends and a married couple. I have tried all my best (my best ever besides sitting for exams) to save this relationship.
For some reason God is holding all these back. He told him to stop all these. I couldn't comprehend at first. I surrendered and prayed to God. After talking to my mum, I realized that this is actually a wise choice to take a break from this relationship. It isn't something that it couldn't be fixed but it is something that requires mutual effort plus God.
You know what, after all those two months of crying, I guess I am free for now. If something like this happens in your life, it is when your faith comes in. God is telling me that I am still a precious daughter of His and He will never forsake me. I believe there will still be someone waiting for me in the future. For now, life isn't only about dating. I have neglected my friends and family; more like my time management wasn't right. I have learnt and viewed things in different perspective.
This is more like a wonderful dream. I have woken up now and am still pressing towards the fullest in life.
