Quarter life thoughts

Lately I have been surrounded by several different kind of news around, it's just so happening and probably I wasn't able to digest them at one go. I tried hard to understand about God's timing in other people's life. At one point I started to question about the reason behind every situation that is happening around me. They weren't related to me directly, but indirectly I felt a sense of paranoid, worrisome, probably unnecessary guilt which I have been succumbing all this while.

I probably wouldn't have known that typically at work, I would be complaining in all sorts of little stuffs until one of my mates brought this up to me. I kinda then realized words of negativity have such a terrible influence especially at work place, not only that, among friends. Even in situations like trying to resolve problems in between friends who are at odds, didn't seem as easy as I would have expected. Maybe because we are all grown ups and we tend to stick towards our bubble. I don't know how well I bring myself out towards people, all I know is I am trying to welcome critics and compliments from everyone who values their relationship with me. As a result from more praises than complaints towards my own being, I also tend to have higher expectations towards myself than I have ever had before. 

Yup, pretty negative right :(

What's more, friends who are getting married, loss their jobs, have their visa granted, have their jobs promoted, have been diagnosed with tumors, and all sorts of other happy/sad circumstances make me think that God must have had everything planned? Really? Why how what? Why a friend who is getting married next year, is diagnosed with an 8cm tumor in her uterus? And how is she going to have a baby? Why another close friend, who has been working overtime loss her job in just a day? Why a colleague whose husband has already passed away and now left with a kid, has just recently found out that she has a tumor? Why are some people born with silver spoon and their life seem to be so perfect, getting their house with their partners at the age of 25? 

Me, having my dream job with a decent income, plus good friends around, loving family, what more can I ask for? But I had been complaining all this while and worried about my contract, visa, house, boyfriend, were so unnecessary. I just don't know how sorry I felt for people but at the same time I wasn't appreciative enough to be happy in my life.

There's this lady cleaner at work who always points at me and say 'Oh there she is! The lovely girl who always smile!' And people would agree with that. Sometimes I ponder upon the fact that am I just faking a smile to other people? Am I wearing a happy face mask? Or maybe I think I'm really happy? 

Lol! So much rambling and I don't think I'm being my usual self! I guess this is the other dark side of me.. :( but I definitely felt better. Most of all, thanking God each day would really remind of how blessed am I.....

Another phase of life

:) My long awaited dream job has now become real! It feels 'surreal' but I have already been working as a scientist for a week!

I just feel so thankful to God for placing different seasons in my life. This is one of the best moments ever and I really want to rejoice in His name! People said that I'm lucky but viewing from a Christian's perspective, I am way beyond blessed to be working my dream job! It has been a bit overwhelming for the first week but I seemed to get a hang of it. I know bits and pieces so hopefully it will turn into a complete picture in a few months' time. Plus, I think I've got awesome colleagues who can laugh, share life, and are willing to teach a dumb student like me :)!

Random post but still, can't contain my happiness! I still can't believe this is happening to me, overjoy!

踮起腳尖愛

那如果不可能的事，会变得有可能吗？

那如果冥冥中是不可能的，会承受得起那失落吗？

那如果承得起，会变得更好吗？

会吗？

A better transition hopefully?

Things have been completely normal these days. On and off emos. Still struggling to get through my past with my own strength so I always have to remind myself to gain the Lord's strength. I wouldn't deny that I still feel uncomfortable when it comes to my past relationship, but I am trying my very best to move on by praying.

Speaking of praying, I have been persistent in praying for a better job! :) Apparently it happened a week ago whereby the boss from next door department (Biochemistry lab) came and asked if I'm interested in working for them with a 1-year contract, as a scientist! Deep in my heart I was thrilled and amazed by God's answer to my prayer! Having to work in Biochem lab isn't easy, especially in a government sector. My major in uni wasn't Biochem but instead it was Haem and Microbiology. So there is no reason that they would have accept my to work as a scientist, not even a level lower as a technical assistant but as a scientist which my dreams would have come true!

I have applied numerous scientists and tech assistants jobs throughout last year. The reason which motivates me to keep applying for jobs is because I want a better change. My current work environment which is a specimen reception area gives me a limited space for me to grow in my career pathway. The feeling wasn't terrific when I'm working as a lab assistant (and it does feels like I'm working as a cashier) to assist scientists by transferring samples instead of interpreting results to doctors etc. I have been verbally bullied; broke down a few times due to stress from colleagues. Having to graduate from a degree and my current job that requires only a diploma level contradicts each other so much, so much that I'm asking God why am I there.

Indeed He has blessed me financially because all this while, it has been a reliably stable job. I have enough to spare and to save. To hear others' experience working in private labs aren't great either. I heard negative feedbacks from private labs e.g. lower pay, worse environment etc. The pay for a scientist in private labs is even lower than working as a lab assistant for government. So, all in all, I am really blessed to be working in hospital all this time.

Anyways, am still waiting for the confirmation email about my start date. I'm so excited! I hope this will be true, I hope rumours will stop spreading and I want to tell everyone that I WILL BE working there in a month's time.

To God be the glory, always and forever. <3

Signing off. :)

Good stuff awaits :)

It has been freaking two years ever since I went back to Sandakan! It's hard to describe my feelings merely in words!

I've been feeling homesick these few weeks. My food train of thought has been emerging every now and then. Yesh the food ahhh.... I don't really know how many friends I would manage to catch up. Frankly speaking I feel like I've been losing contact to many friends ><

The best thing is to spend time with FAMILY :). Nothing else beats that!

Ok really random one I'm just way too excited!

Thanks for the memories :)

I should have been babbling here during the midst of 'emoness' and depression last month. Well, people might thought that I am a fragile person but hey, I am quite proud of myself right now that I am back, with a stronger heart and plenty of gratitude towards what had happened for the last 4 years. 

Guess what? 

Yes, a break up. :) + :( + T.T It is truly mixed with all sorts of emotions. 

People used to think that we are meant for each other (well I did too). People used to know we are each other halves when they first knew us. People used to see us doing things together, especially with those pretty photos posted on Facebook which went quite viral among relatives and friends. 

Oh those places we've went, sunsets we've chased, starts we've gazed, movies we've watched, food we've cooked, birthdays, anniversaries, flowers, gifts, valentines, meeting each other's families, so well known of his wife/her husband, wedding we've attended, bus rides we've sat, first car, first year uni till graduation...... and this list can go forever. 4 years! I can't imagine we've been together for 4 years. 

And now they are all history. 

You know how a lot of pictures or quotes mentioned about when you've reached 20s, you then start to realize your parents golden advice/nagging and now you're telling them 'Mum, you're right?'. Yeah, I have started off this too spontaneously. I didn't pursuit God's way as I was doing my way. We have sinned and have done things which are unpleasing to God. It has been an on off switch for all this while and we were living in guilt. It is ridiculous to tell everyone about this because I am not proud of this. If we were to rewind everything, we could have integrated the Lord's words and understand each other more instead of jumping into it abruptly. Hence, all these piled up and were never been shared to each other. As years went by, I repented and ask for the Lord's forgiveness. Yet I sinned again and again. Such a hyprocrite! 

At some point, he was smacked on the face by God end of this Sept. So did I. We've tried to improve. I think I was struggling a lot, so much that I broke down when he hinted a break up. I went to work everyday with a heavy feeling, as if everyone did something wrong and I was easily frustrated. I even went to another church because he did not want to go to the same church as I did. It didn't make much of a difference until I shared it out with a few close friends and a married couple. I have tried all my best (my best ever besides sitting for exams) to save this relationship.

For some reason God is holding all these back. He told him to stop all these. I couldn't comprehend at first. I surrendered and prayed to God. After talking to my mum, I realized that this is actually a wise choice to take a break from this relationship. It isn't something that it couldn't be fixed but it is something that requires mutual effort plus God.

You know what, after all those two months of crying, I guess I am free for now. If something like this happens in your life, it is when your faith comes in. God is telling me that I am still a precious daughter of His and He will never forsake me. I believe there will still be someone waiting for me in the future. For now, life isn't only about dating. I have neglected my friends and family; more like my time management wasn't right. I have learnt and viewed things in different perspective. 

This is more like a wonderful dream. I have woken up now and am still pressing towards the fullest in life. 

Favourite season while still pressing on

Ola! Spring started off with a few chilly weeks and I believe the warmth should be sipping through the window blinds shortly. Reminds me of 'Triumph in the skies 2', especially Europe's magnificent scenery. The series wasn't as mind-blowing as Western ones but hey, why watch something which squeezes the most out from you after a long day at work? *Grins* While watching that, visiting Europe would be one of my dreams to achieve even though it was such a vague thought. 

Anyways, I've been packed with different activities. To list out some, dancing, applying and reapplying for better jobs, driving, mum's visit, bro's settling down and much more. Life is good and fulfilling. Most of all, it is full of blessings. I won't expect it to be a smooth sailing one especially in terms of this continuous job hunting activity. I believe that God will provide only in His timing and His calling. Wherever, whenever, whichever. At least I am trying and not giving up. It's hard sometimes, especially when arguments and backstabbing are part of the culture yet God's promise and teaching never fail to provide this sense of peace in myself.

Absolutely clueless of why am I here LOL maybe it was that sense of guilty of abandoning bloggie for whole few months. Hence decided to mumble and talk crap again ahhaaa..

Alrighty, signing off for now and see what happens in the next few months yeah?