Quarter life thoughts

Lately I have been surrounded by several different kind of news around, it's just so happening and probably I wasn't able to digest them at one go. I tried hard to understand about God's timing in other people's life. At one point I started to question about the reason behind every situation that is happening around me. They weren't related to me directly, but indirectly I felt a sense of paranoid, worrisome, probably unnecessary guilt which I have been succumbing all this while.

I probably wouldn't have known that typically at work, I would be complaining in all sorts of little stuffs until one of my mates brought this up to me. I kinda then realized words of negativity have such a terrible influence especially at work place, not only that, among friends. Even in situations like trying to resolve problems in between friends who are at odds, didn't seem as easy as I would have expected. Maybe because we are all grown ups and we tend to stick towards our bubble. I don't know how well I bring myself out towards people, all I know is I am trying to welcome critics and compliments from everyone who values their relationship with me. As a result from more praises than complaints towards my own being, I also tend to have higher expectations towards myself than I have ever had before. 

Yup, pretty negative right :(

What's more, friends who are getting married, loss their jobs, have their visa granted, have their jobs promoted, have been diagnosed with tumors, and all sorts of other happy/sad circumstances make me think that God must have had everything planned? Really? Why how what? Why a friend who is getting married next year, is diagnosed with an 8cm tumor in her uterus? And how is she going to have a baby? Why another close friend, who has been working overtime loss her job in just a day? Why a colleague whose husband has already passed away and now left with a kid, has just recently found out that she has a tumor? Why are some people born with silver spoon and their life seem to be so perfect, getting their house with their partners at the age of 25? 

Me, having my dream job with a decent income, plus good friends around, loving family, what more can I ask for? But I had been complaining all this while and worried about my contract, visa, house, boyfriend, were so unnecessary. I just don't know how sorry I felt for people but at the same time I wasn't appreciative enough to be happy in my life.

There's this lady cleaner at work who always points at me and say 'Oh there she is! The lovely girl who always smile!' And people would agree with that. Sometimes I ponder upon the fact that am I just faking a smile to other people? Am I wearing a happy face mask? Or maybe I think I'm really happy? 

Lol! So much rambling and I don't think I'm being my usual self! I guess this is the other dark side of me.. :( but I definitely felt better. Most of all, thanking God each day would really remind of how blessed am I.....